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This is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Tinfoil hats to protect against interweb; abortion floodgates ‘like Guinness at The Gathering’; James Reilly a mystery to the Troika.

Tinfoil hat, anyone?
Tinfoil hat, anyone?
Image: Nomad_Soul via Shutterstock

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Tinfoil hats could save politicians from the internet

Monday, 7 January

Scientists funded by The Mire have made a breakthrough that could save Irish politicians and newspaper managers from the internet.

After years of research the scientists found that tinfoil hats make those who wear them immune to the ill-effects of the world wide web.

“We selected a man who was crazed by the internet,” a scientist said. “He was holding his head in his hands and shouting at the sky. Now he can calmly read his newspaper and discuss the evils of social media.”

“The internet doesn’t bother me now,” the man said. “If only they could do something about the ovaries.”

The internet, and its nefarious practice of linking to stories, has been an issue for Irish politicians and newspapers.

Communications Minister Pat Rabbitte is believed to be particularly concerned that it could be used to communicate.

Health Warning: In the event of a nuclear strike tinfoil hats may become ineffective if used in conjunction with iodine tablets.

CIA appointment surprises Roscommon pig farmer

Tuesday, 8 January

A Roscommon pig farmer has spoken of his surprise on hearing that US President Barack Obama has placed him in charge of the CIA.

“It came as a bit of a surprise,” the Aghaclogher local revealed.

“I’ve never even waterboarded anyone.”

“We used to do this thing with the pigs when we were bored,” he added. “I suppose it was a bit like waterboarding.”

Abortions will be handed out ‘like Guinness at The Gathering’

Wednesday, 9 January

Abortion will soon be widespread in Ireland, an expert told the Oireachtas Committee on Health and Children today.

“It’ll be like Guinness at The Gathering,” the expert said. “You’ll hardly be able to go out for a smoke between abortions.”

“Once the floodgates open,” she added. “You might not even have to be pregnant to have an abortion.”

Many male campaigners against abortion fear that they too could have to endure terminations if legislation is introduced.

Ryanair could enter abortion market after floodgates open

Thursday, 10 January

It has been suggested that Ryanair might enter the abortion market after the floodgates open.

“Once those floodgates open you’re going to need someone who knows how to ship them in, ship them out and sell them scratch cards,” an analyst said.

“Who better than Ryanair?”

“It’s not a million miles away from what they already do,” a passenger said.

Meanwhile, religious organisations were appearing before the Oireachtas health committee hearing on abortion this morning. It’s not clear why.

Private companies to find work for long-term civil servants

Friday, 11 January

Leaked bailout documents seen by The Mire reveal that the Troika wants the government to hire private companies to find work for long term senior civil servants.

“After several years of working closely with Irish senior civil servants we have observed that they are not actually working,” one document reveals.

“Therefore we believe that private specialist companies should be hired to help senior civil servants identify the work in front of them.”

Another leaked document reveals that the Troika is prepared to offer relocation expenses and German citizenship to anyone who can explain Dr James Reilly.

“Don’t get us started on Brendan Howlin,” a third document says.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

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