1. When you joined the gym, it took you weeks to get up the courage to actually go
2. You know in your heart you’re too mortified to ask how to use the weird looking machines. You just won’t go anywhere near them
3. You’re convinced that people are watching you work out and can tell you haven’t a clue what you’re at
4. But in fact it is YOU who is watching people all the time, looking for guidance
5. You’ve been caught comparing your speed, workout time and calories burned with the person on the treadmill next to you
6. And you feel genuinely smug if they’re running on speed 6 when you’re on 6.5
7. Even though you had to stop after two minutes because 6.5 was just way too fast
8. You see other gym-goers who seem perfectly put together, a glimmer of sweat on their brow, and wonder: How?
9. Meanwhile, your face gets red after 10 minutes on the bike and it doesn’t return to its normal colour until two hours later
10. You’re terrified of personal trainers. All of them
11. You spend most of your time in the changing room trying to cover any patch of naked skin with a towel
12. You’re deeply unnerved by people who just walk around the changing rooms in the nip. What’s their endgame here?
13. You have yet to go to the gym without forgetting some essential part of your workout gear
14. Meaning you have felt even more self-conscious going to a class in a normal bra or without a hairband
15. You’re SURE people notice when you wear the same gym gear twice in a row
16. And they’re judging you when you just sit on a mat ‘looking for a good song’ for about 10 minutes
17. You like spin because they turn the lights off
18. There are whole rooms full of grunting men that you will never go into
19. And to you, happiness is entering the gym to find… nobody else there. Bliss!
