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Not the News

Here is the week's news... skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Kim Jong-Un clings on to his place in the Dáil Technical Group, pointing Phil Hogan at North Korea and Ireland nominated by troika for fantasy government awards.

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Oireachtas hearing on social media moves to the cloud

Monday, 1 April

The Oireachtas Committee on social media will move to the cloud this week to investigate the dangers inherent in cloud computing.

The committee expects to spend two days hearing submissions on the health and safety aspects of working in the cloud, weather permitting.

“We’re approaching this with an open mind,” Senator Fidelma Healy Eames said. “Although it sounds ludicrously dangerous.”

“I mean what if someone fell?”

Call for personal insolvency practitioners to be insolvent

Tuesday, 2 April

Many of the Personal Insolvency Practitioners (PIPs) required to administer insolvency claims under new legislation are unlikely to be properly qualified.

Under the terms of the legislation PIPs are to be appointed to liaise with applicants and decide on their cases.

However, it seems that many PIPs will not be suited to the task.

“They’re looking for people who are sufficiently numerate to compile financial proposals,” a source said. “What the hell would they know about insolvency?”

“Any personal insolvency practitoner worth their salt should at least be insolvent.”

Dáil Technical Group cannot expel North Korean leader

Wednesday, 3 April

Tensions are building within the Dáil Technical Group over the fact that it is unable to expel North Korean leader Kim Jong-un despite his transgressions.

A source within the group admitted it had no mechanism to expel or discipline a member.

“Kim Jong-un is giving all TDs a bad name. We would like him to leave the group but we cannot force him to do so,” he said. “Hopefully he’ll do the right thing.”

Since joining the Technical Group Kim Jong-un has declared a state of war with South Korea, got his penalty points quashed, refused to wear a tie and announced plans to launch a nuclear strike on America.

“He’s typical of the Technical Group,” a Government TD said. “Does what he wants and throws a big hissy fit if you challenge him.”

Troika nominates Ireland for fantasy government awards

Thursday, 4 April

In the ninth review of Ireland’s bailout programme the troika has nominated Ireland for the coveted Fantasy Government Awards.

“Ireland’s contribution to fantasy government is on a par with its contribution to literature,” an IMF official said.

“They tease accounts and play with budgets like Joyce played with words.”

“They are so inventive,” he added. “They have developed entirely new and utterly meaningless accounting practices.”

The official also said the government’s implementation deficit disorder was a joy to behold. “It is dysfunction in its purest form,” he said.

Government prepared to point Phil Hogan at North Korea

Friday, 5 April

The Government today said it was prepared to point Environment Minister Phil Hogan at North Korea in an attempt to avert a nuclear strike.

“It’s an extreme measure but these are extreme times,” a government spokesman said.

The spokesman confirmed that Mr Hogan had been brought to a secret location and placed on a launch pad.

“He’s primed and looking very determined in that single-minded way that he has,” he said.

North Korea did not comment but seems likely to back down.

“No one wants to be targeted by Phil Hogan,” a security analyst explained. “Not even Kim Jong-un.”

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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