SO… THAT WAS intense. Look at it this way, we learned a lot.
1. Cersei Lannister had her blood sucked by a witch who saw her future
Oh, glad we’re starting this season on a sane note.
Two young girls running through a dark forest never ends well on this show, but it’s just young Cersei looking for a witch.
After giving up her blood as a beverage, Cersei is told she’ll be queen but she won’t like what she finds at the top, and a younger queen will cast her aside. Hope you’re happy, Cersei.
2. She was always a bitch
After threatening the witch if she refused to tell her future, she remarks on how she doesn’t have the rumoured cat’s teeth and three eyes. She looks ok to us.
Cersi says she’s not terrifying though, just boring. Zing.
3. Tywin’s corpse is utterly terrifying
Deep within the Great Sept of Baelor lies… JESUS WTAF.
Always watching, always watching.
Jamie and Cersei argue over what his death means for their power, but we can’t unsee this.
4. Tyrion is in a crate and his view isn’t great
So that’s how he fled, and he’s been on the piss and stuffing his shit through the holes. Pleasant.
He throws up and tells fellow fugitive Varys, that the future is shit, just like the past.
Hear hear.
Post journey, he also kinda looks like you when you emerge from a Ryanair cabin.
5. Things are going arseways for Daenerys
Over in Meereen, the harpy on top of the Pyramid is being pulled down.
One of the Unsullied overseers heads to a brothel for refreshments afterwards. Figures. ‘Unsullied’ our arse.
So that’s blood, a corpse, vomit, and nudity checked off the episode list. But don’t worry, he’s just getting a little song hummed to him.
Oh no, wait, he’s being murdered.
Add murder to that list. Daenerys concludes it’s the work of the Sons of the Harpys in an effort to resist her rule.
Tell that to this guy.
6. Jon Snow is back!
He’s safe, rejoice, and fighting fit. He’s training Robin out in Castle Black, and being set up for BIG THINGS.
7. Littlefinger legged it somewhere mysterious with Sansa
Creepy-Aiden-Gillen tells Royce that he’s taking Sansa to the Fingers, but Sasy Sansa notes they’re heading west. WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
Somewhere so far, even Cersei won’t be able to get her hands on Sansa, says Littlefinger. Winterfell? Answer us!
One thing is for sure…
8. Lancel cut his hair
One less thing the cousin lover has to worry about, is a good shampoo. He’s found God and joined the Seven, and apologises for their ‘unnatural relations’.
C’mon man, don’t make it weird.
9. Loras is perfectly OK with his sister hanging out with him and a naked prostitute
Oh, just sit there sis, no big deal.
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Anyway, the checklist.
10. Daenarys dragons are being lil bitches in captivity
She goes to visit them and it’s utterly terrifying.
Ugh, teenagers.
Listen, that’s what happens when one of you goes around eating kids.
11. Mance… OH NO
Stannis orders his death by burning, and we just about can’t cope. Well, until Jon Snow puts him out of his misery with an arrow through the chest.
Ah, a heartwarming death. Game of Thrones is truly back.
