Dublin: 13 °C Tuesday 26 October, 2021

Here is the week's news... skewed

BREAKING via The Mire wire: The secret link between Jedward and the Central Bank and the TD who was caught working…

Michael Healy Rae - as well as cutting grass, running a petrol station, a farm and a post office, has been known to indulge in a spot of abseiling. And a spot of politics.
Michael Healy Rae - as well as cutting grass, running a petrol station, a farm and a post office, has been known to indulge in a spot of abseiling. And a spot of politics.
Image: Julien Behal/PA Wire

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

‘No’ voters being monitored by aircraft

Monday, 21 May

Private aircraft contractors hired by the Defence Forces are monitoring people suspected of planning to vote no in the fiscal treaty referendum. “We are being followed by planes when we go shopping or to the pub,” a ‘No’ campaigner said.

“We will not be intimidated by low-flying aircraft,” he added.

Meanwhile Tanaiste Eamon Gilmore said a ‘No’ vote would lead to an increase in the cost of soap, a resulting breakdown in basic hygiene, inevitable marital breakdown and an early grave.

Central Bank Governor ‘under influence’ of Jedward

Tuesday, 22 May

Jedward’s role in the financial crisis came into focus when Central Bank Governor Patrick Honohan claimed that jobs help people pay their mortgages.

Mr Honohan said controlling unemployment would have “a surprisingly large effect” on curing mortgage arrears.

“If you look at Jedward tweets such as ‘Hello Belgium how are all the bells!’ they appear to come from the same source,” an expert in Jedward and the financial crisis said.

“Either he’s the brains behind Jedward or he’s under their influence,” he added. “Jedward may be running the Central Bank.”

Germans say rest of Europe is isolated

Wednesday, 23 May

German officials have insisted their country is not isolated over the eurozone growth agenda.

Most of Europe appears to support the position of French president François Hollande ahead of today’s informal EU summit.

“If no other European country supports our view that does not mean we are isolated,” a senior German official said. “It means they are isolated.”

TD caught working

Thursday, 24 May

Michael Healy-Rae could be ostracised by his fellow TDs after being caught flagrantly working.

The TD pleaded with a photographer not to take a picture of him cutting the grass for his company Roughty Plant Hire on behalf of Kerry County Council.

Mr Healy-Rae is also the owner of a petrol station, a postmaster, a politician and a farmer. Anyone concerned that Mr Healy-Rae is working too hard can send donations care of any of his businesses or Leinster House.

Meanwhile the Consumer Council advised anyone hiring a TD to do a bit of gardening or work around the house to fix a price first.

Prisoners on ‘sun’ release demand sun cream

Friday, 25 May

Hundreds of prisoners given temporary release from Mountjoy yesterday to take advantage of the good weather are protesting outside the Department of Justice.

The prisoners, who were granted leave until it becomes overcast, are appalled at their treatment.

“It’s 25 degrees and they didn’t give us an ounce of sun cream,” a prisoner said.

The Department of Justice is liaising with the Department of Health in an effort to resolve the crisis.

Read previous weeks’ editions of TheMire’s Not the News>

Read next: