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culinary delights

All the stages you go through when ordering a takeaway

Don’t look at me. DON’T LOOK AT ME.

AH, THE UNBRIDLED joy of ordering food direct to your home.

Feeling lazy? Hungry? Under the weather? Hungover? Decadent? Never fear, a pizza will soon be here.

Here are the stages we all go through while contemplating (and succumbing to) the siren call of takeaway gastronomy.

1. Vowing you won’t

No. This time you will be strong. You don’t NEED that takeaway. You don’t WANT that takeaway. You’re aware you’re lying to yourself, but you’re almost fooling yourself too. It might be working. This might be the weekend you start the diet and become an ultra-fit clean-eating cyborg.

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2. Losing your resolve

Nope. You’re definitely just going to order the bloody takeaway, so stop pretending. The spirit is willing – but the flesh wants a Menu C shredded chicken combo from the Chinese down the road.

FrumGeek FrumGeek

3. The big decision

Pizza? Indian? Chinese? Chipper? If there are multiple people involved with varying cravings, this decision could involve signing treaties, bribery, physical violence and wracking sobs.

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4. Sweet anticipation

It’s ordered! And now we wait. Oh God, it’s almost here. How long has it been since we ordered? Must be here soon. Taking a while, isn’t it? Has to be soon now. How soon is now?

Giphy Giphy

5. The glee of arrival

Your phone buzzes and the doorbells goes. THE TAKEAWAY HAS ARRIVED! GREAT REJOICING!


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6. “Jesus, there’s so much!”

Whoa, our eyes were a lot bigger than our bellies. This is a significant amount of food. Pretty sure the weekly shop doesn’t take up this many bags. Pass the prawn crackers, think they’re in the fifth bag over there, yeah – beside the ten yokes of boiled rice we were sure we’d need.

Cheezburger Cheezburger

7. “I’ll definitely save some of this for lunch tomorrow.”

I’m just going to eat half the korma, some of this naan, then put the rest in the fridge. I’m stuffed. I can still snatch victory from the pizza-chewing jaws of defeat.

9to5mac 9to5mac

8. Failing

Getting a second wind and going back for another helping, before realising you’re trying to suck the last drop of garlic sauce from a discarded napkin.

Kul Photo Kul Photo

9. Regret, shame, disappointment

Why didn’t I just have toast instead? I’m so ashamed. Don’t look at me. I’m disgusting.

10. Clean-up self-hatred

Eject the boxes to the utility room all you like, you’ll still have to clean them up sometime. And when you do, there’ll be a sharp bolt of self-hatred. The expense! The calories! The laziness!  Never again.

Until next time.

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Do you recognise our takeaway rollercoaster of emotions? Give us a slice in the comments. Sorry, sorry, we meant leave a comment. 

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