BREAKUPS ARE HARD. You have to do whatever you can to get through them.
This Brooklyn woman dealt with her breakup by putting her boyfriend’s parting gift on Craigslist, and writing one whopper of a ‘burn in hell’ letter to go with it.
She begins by describing her former beau, a ‘sensitive’ corporate lawyer. The relationship had a rocky start – she says he initially ‘ghosted’ her before they properly got together.
But their troubles didn’t end there.
One night you watch a movie about the futility of monogamy, and he freaks out. He’s scared of commitment. The guy who committed to 80-hour work weeks for nebulous reasons is scared of commitment. The guy who asked to meet your family after you said it would be OK to wait, because commitment can be scary, is now scared of commitment.
Oh.
After a trip away with a bunch of his friends, he tells her they’re ‘incompatible’. They break up, but a few days later, she receives a birthday gift from him:
Yes. a Vitamix blender.
He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they’re dumping a Vitamix? He wants to be the hero of this story. “I got this girl an epic birthday gift and then we broke up.” He wants me to remember him fondly. I can’t abide it.
“I had fleeting Hollywood fantasies about smashing it in the street,” she writes. “I’m not gonna ruin a perfectly good blender.”
So she’s selling it on for $400, along with the warranty and a recipe book.
Read her full letter here. This is about as close to Lemonade as any of us regular girls is ever gonna get, TBH.
