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Dublin: 8 °C Sunday 18 November, 2018
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21 honest thoughts I had while watching 50 Shades of Grey

“Does Jamie Dornan ever blink?”

Originally published  Friday, 11am

THIS WEEK, DAILYEDGE.IE watched 50 Shades of Grey. It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it.

We trotted along to the Irish premiere at the Lighthouse cinema, where they’d put up a fancy curtain, laid a red carpet, and fed the audience of giddy women and be-suited men tiny bits of dinner and all the cava they could throw down their necks.

50

Here are some of our thoughts (Some spoilers ahead, naturally)…

“Kind of wish I wasn’t sitting in a room full of strangers and mams”

We hadn’t read the book before sitting down to watch the film, and knew precious little about what to expect. Suddenly, we were nervous.

Were we about to sit through two hours of porn elbow to elbow with strangers? What if our hands brush by mistake? Will they think we’re dropping the lámh?

eyes

“OH CHRIST IT’S STARTING”

Too late now.

jon

“Oh there’s Dakota Fanning. No, JOHNSON. Dakota JOHNSON”

This is actress Dakota Fanning:

Americans For The Arts 2013 National Arts Awards Source: AP/Press Association Images

And this is actress Dakota Johnson

Fifty Shades of Grey Premiere - 65th Berlinale Film Festival Source: Markus Schreiber

“Does she look more like her mam or her dad?”

Dakota Johnson is the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. Naturally we tried to suss out genetic dominance.

In Style Magazine and Warner Bros. Studios Post Golden Globe Party - Beverley Hilton Source: PA Archive/Press Association Images

“Hmm, noted ride Jamie Dornan kind of has a weird wobbly gob”

Sans beard, Dornan’s slightly odd mouth is distracting. We feel like it’s all we’re going to be able to see for the whole…

dornan

“Wait, strike that, Jamie Dornan is a golden God sent from heaven”

Forget the gob. He’s just taken his top off.

top

“Hello Dakota Johnson!”

Johnson is similarly beautiful and ridey. As one would expect.

dak

“Try as you might Dornan, you’ll never lose that accent”

The Belfast man makes an admirable fist (sorry) of the US drawl, but his Irish lilt is always lurking in the background.

irishaccent

“A flip phone. Hello 2002″

Johnson’s character Anastasia Steele has a telephonic device that can only be described as archaic.

Christian Grey buys her a new laptop, but never sees fit to upgrade her to something from this century when it comes to her phone. The louser.

party

“Some of these ladies in the audience have had a few sherries”

As we said, the free cava was flowing at the Irish 50 Shades premiere, leading to much giggling and whooping and sniggering from the assembled crowd.

pants

“Oh, she’s had more than a few sherries”

(After one particularly enthusiastic ‘WHOOP’)

under

“His ‘playroom’. Shudder”

Much has been written about the undertones (well, overtones really) of physical and emotional abuse throughout the 50 Shades books and films. And it’s in Mr Grey’s ‘red room of pain’ that it’s all played out.

key Source: julianroe.co.uk

“Oh lordy, I nearly saw his mister”

Dornan never goes full frontal in the film, but he almost does. There’s definitely pube-age.

watch Source: Universal Pictures

“Oh lordy, I nearly saw HER mister”

Same goes for Johnson, although very little is left to the imagination.

da Source: Universal Pictures

“Did she… did she just say that?”

Yes, yes she did.

(It was something that kind of rhymed with ‘plain ol’ listing’)

shic

“Did she just say THAT?”

Unrepeatable. Sorry.

gif

“No wonder his wife didn’t want to watch this”

Jamie Dornan’s wife has reportedly said she won’t be watching the film, and we don’t blame her.

The sex scenes are quite artistically filmed by Sam Taylor Johnson and for the most part aren’t as smutty as you might expect. Still though, not something you want to watch your husband or wife getting up to.

Britain Fifty Shades of Grey Premiere Source: Jonathan Short

“My, what a beautiful Mac you have”

The product placement is strong with this one.

mac

“Oh look, it’s Rita Ora, coming soon to a sitting room near you”

Seriously. Is there anything Rita Ora isn’t in, on or wearing? We’re going to wake up one day and there’ll just be a Rita Ora in everyone’s sitting room, eating our cornflakes and deleting our Broadchurches off the Skybox.

rita Source: Universal Pictures

“IS THAT IT?!”

The film ends on quite the cliffhanger, and as we haven’t read the books we’re GASPING to know what happens.

cliff

“If it’s wrong to like this, then I don’t wanna be right”

Do you know what, it’s not that bad. Although we met a couple of women outside the cinema afterwards who had read the books and declared the film to be a “bit shite”.

That’s us told.

8 people genuinely baffled by Rita Ora

Here’s all the sex you will (and won’t) see in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie

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About the author:

Emer McLysaght

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